This just really speaks the truth... At least to me it does.

PLEASE HEAR WHAT I'M NOT SAYING
       Author Unknown

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear.
For I wear a mask,I wear a thousand masks,
Masks that I'm afraid to take off,
And none of them are me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me.
But don't be fooled,For god's sake don't be fooled!
I give you the impression that I'm secure.
That all is sunny and unruffled in me.
Within as well as without.
That confidence is my name and coolness my game.
that the water's calm and I'm in command.
And that I don't need no one.
But don't believe me.

My surface may seem smooth,but my surface is my mask,
My ever varying and ever concealing mask.
Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence.
Beneath dwells the real me, In confusion,In fear,
In aloneness. but I hide this.
I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear
being exposed.
That's why I franically create a mask to hide behind.
A nonchalant,sophisticated facade,to help me pretend.
To shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation.

That is if It's followed by acceptance,
If It's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself.
From my own self-built prison walls,
From the barriers that I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me of what
I can't assure myself...That I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this, I don't dare...I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance
and by love.
I'm afraid you will think less of me, that you will
laugh... and your laugh will kill me.

I'm afraid that deep down I'm nothing, that I'm just
no good,and that you will see this and reject me.
So,I play my game, my desperate pretending game.
And my life becomes a front.

I dislike the superficial game I'm playing.
The superficial,phony game.
I'd really like to be genuine and spontaneous,and me.
You've got to hold out your hand...Even if that's the
last thing I seem to want or need.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare
 Of the breathing dead...Only you can call me into aliveness...

Each time you are kind and gentle and encouraging,
Each time you try to understand because you really care,
My heart begins to grow wings...Very small wings,
Very feeble wings,but wings.
With your sensitivity and sympathy,and your power of
Understanding,you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me.
How you can be a creator of the person that is me,
If you choose to...It will not be easy for you.

A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach me,the blinder I may strike back.
It's the irrational,but despite what the books say about
man, I'm irrational!!

I fight against the very thing that I cry for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls,
And in this lies my hope... My only hope.

Please try to beat down those walls with firm hands,
But with gentle hands, for a child is very sensitive.
Who am I, You may wonder?
I'm someone you know very well...
For I am every Man and Woman you meet.

I was checking out my website today and got a Surprise, someone left a message on my forum, With a link to their website. ( a porn website ) The message said , I need your opinion of my site. It was not the kind of link I wanted on my website so I deleted it. But, I did take a quick look at it.( and, I do mean Quick!!) Because He asked me to.

I can't give an opinion, Because I'm not into that sort of thing, And do not know anything about it. I guess he asked the wrong person. Maybe he will find someone else out in "Internet land "who is better qualified, And can give him an opinion. He seemed very proud of it. As anyone should be who has spent hours and hours building a website, no matter what kind of site it is.

I have a free links page, Where anyone can post a link, and I have a forum where anyone can post a message and link, I thought this would be a good thing, A way to get a link exchange going. It just never crossed my mind that  anyone would post a link to those kind of sites. So today I had to update my website with a message to anyone posting a link, Not to put those kind of links on my site or they will be deleted.

My website is mostly a site with Free stuff on it, Like games, and other fun stuff. Just good clean fun! And, I want it to stay that way. So if Anyone out there is reading this, Check out my website, leave a link to your site ( NO PORN SITES! ) And it would be nice if you could put a link to my website on your website, ( Not if you have a Porn site! )

Exchanging links" I thought" would be a good way to get traffic, and would  help both parties. So if you have a website that is not full of porn or other X rated stuff, you are welcome to post a link. I would love to see your website.

D.J.

It's raining today,

 And I guess I'm feeling a little bit down. I dont know if it is the weather or winter thats got me feeling this way. I really dont like winter. I want spring to hurry and get here, Winter depresses me so. I'm ready to get outside and plant some flowers, Even though I do NOT have the proverbial "Green Thumb" I still love flowers, and usually spend all my time trying to keep the ones that do come up/ or I plant, To live. I dont know why I just can't seem to get the hang of growing things. My mother can grow anything, and my sister's too, But not me....But I won't give up, I just know that someday I'll figure it all out.......right! who am I kidding, about the only thing I ever had any luck with was cactus!!!

I don't  know why I'm writting any of this, don't even know why I started this Journal in the frist place,No one probably even reads it, except me. Not that I really care. I only started my website, which this journal is a part of, To have something to do.

I'm soooooooo Bored!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Journal

Today was the first day of school for Little Joe.     And It was probably worse for his mom,   Terry, My Sister,  than it was for him. I hope she made it ok. Notice I said ( SHE ). She has SIX kids and Joe is the youngest. Her Baby! So I can understand She is going through a rough time. But She will make it.  Sometimes I worry about her, She has a lot on her mind right now, I pray God gives her strength to cope with all that She has going on. And that her husband Keith, Helps her to deal with it all, and understands that this is very hard for her.

Terry if you read this, Know that you can call me Anytime!

                                                                                                                     D.J.

Dear Journal

I plan to spend another weekend doing nothing,but watching the grass grow. and it is growing pretty fast. seems like the yard needs mowing every other day.My flowers are looking good though. which is great. 

                                                                                                                    D.J.